Top 10 best and worst...

I have sorta had this list in my head for awhile...well, little tidbits I have remarked to myself  throughout this first experience being pregnant. So without further ado:

Top 10 best pregnancy perks:

1.  Your body has a utilitarian purpose. It isn't just about being in shape to be cute, or to wear fun clothes, or to have some vanity induced quest for attractiveness. Your body is to grow and house a baby -- as your belly and hips swell, your face breaks out, your skin stretches...it is all for an actual PURPOSE.
2.  Taking long walks with your husband (and subsequent foot rubs). After 5 months I couldn't run anymore...I took up walking as a not-so-challenging but still helpful form of exercise. These 30-60 minute walks have brought us closer together, even if we are just chatting about our days, what's for dinner, or what we have to buy at Baby's R Us.
  
3.  Support from unexpected places. I have really loved the guidance from friends both near and far, as well as closer relationships I've built through facebook, instragram and the like. People I haven't talked to in ages, or weren't that close to pre-pregnancy have really shown to be huge motivators throughout these past 9 months. It truly takes a village. 

 
4.  Your body's natural inclination to desire what it needs. For me, this was a shit ton of fruits and vegetables. What is it about sugar snap peas and (currently) pineapple that my body craves and why? I understand why some women get pica during their pregnancies...sometimes such food is beyond satisfying. Is there something my body is missing that it is gaining through crushing through these delicious green beans?  See also, quests for greater meaning for things....and taking a more holistic view about the world in general. 

5. Making you more thankful. The obvious here is having an appreciation for your own mother, and what she has done for you (and Niter was the best!)  .... but to also to celebrate other mothers (young and old) in your world...it makes you have a greater understanding of the struggles, joys and triumphs that women go through. From being terrified for loss the first few weeks, with every twinge being a sign of impending doom...to seeing your friends celebrate their baby's 1st birthdays, and the excitement around having that one year notch of success under their belts. 

6.  A greater sense for what's important. Having been an anxious mess the majority of my life, it is hard for me to "let go" of past hurts.  I can be very self critical and have always put too much emphasis on what everyone else is thinking. Having a greater purpose than myself has made it alot easier to determine if something worrisome is really going to matter in a week, a month, a year. It doesn't mean I have a tougher skin, it just means I have less time to devote to desperately clinging to situations I regret, people I no longer speak to, and continuously over-extending myself to people/activities that don't warrant my time and energy. 

7. The initial flutters, and eventual strong kicks from your baby...this has hands down got to be one of all mothers favorite parts of pregnancy. For 19 weeks I studied my own belly, and waited, and waited and waited to feel anything. I am glad that although I have an anterior placenta, that I was able to feel him as early and consistently as I have. Jerome loves his kicks too. 

8. People giving you the pass because you're pregnant. It's okay to cry in the restaurant/at work/at the grocery store for no real reason because hey...hormones. 

9.  The obvious : buying baby shit. It's cute, it's bright, it's fun to organize. We have been truly spoiled by friends and family....and of course I may be really, really, really good at shopping. I hope this baby boy is thankful for all the love and endless amounts of plastic stuff bestowed upon him! People have asked if our nursery had a "theme" or color and when I've shown them photos they have been blown away at his nursery. I couldn't be prouder of how our hard work came to fruition. 

10. The excitement. It is palpable. The world loves a pregnancy/baby. People want to tell you how their own pregnancies went, how they carried, their labor stories. Or just to smile and share a knowing look when you waddle down the culdesac. People have been really supportive, complimentary and kind (for the most part...) and for that we are grateful! 

Top 10 not-so-fabulous bits of pregnancy

1. Lack of control. While it's great your body has the greatest purpose in the world carrying a child, it is nerve-wracking to not fully understand the how's and why's and maybe's of the anatomy and physiology of carrying a baby to term. 

1st trimester : is there even a baby in there? 

2nd trimester : is my cervix going to keep this baby in to viability? 

3rd trimester: is a normal delivery even a remote possibility for me? 

Not to mention, why is my hair so scraggly? Are these breakouts going to leave scars? Are those stretch marks? How much weight am I gaining already? Will my boobs EVER get bigger? (Okay so that one is for vanity purposes alone, if I was ever going to get boobs I figured it'd be during pregnancy) Not so much. 

2. The industrialized notions of prenatal care. I feel like sometimes I am a number, shuffling through the system. Stats on someone's paperwork somewhere. While the quality of care has been great, the bedside manner has been virtually non-existent. The "reasons" why you can and cannot qualify for care based on insurance or the doctor's discretion can be really frustrating, as is waiting for appointments upwards to 2 hours at a time for less than 10 minutes of actual interaction with your doctor. I know I should really seek out a therapist if I want to get all touchy-feely about this huge change in my life, but sometimes it feels like the practice I go to invests only as much as needed to get through their appointments. 

3.  People who don't care. Not everyone is a "baby person". Not everyone will understand the challenges of getting yourself dressed and out of the house at a decent time when every step you take causes your pelvic bones to grate on eachother and make you limp in pain. Or you're so nauseous it is everything in your body not to drop your head down on your desk/vomit all over the place. Not everyone will care that you're excited you picked a name, painted the nursery, got maternity photos done. And that's perfectly fine. Pregnancy is your own little joy-fest, as mundane as some of the milestones are, they are yours to enjoy - alot of people get annoyed with the sonograms, bump and shower photos inundating their newsfeed - let 'em block you/hide you/make passive aggressive statuses about you. Just own this, this moment, this joy...nothing else matters. Laugh about it and carry on. 

someecards.com

4. Not getting the "benefits" of pregnancy. The glow, the shiny hair, the great skin, the kindness of strangers. My skin broke out worse than puberty, my hair never got full and lustrous, and I don't know if it's Baltimore...or what, but I notice no real change in the atmosphere of folks around me. My friends in NY and PA have marveled at how nice people are, holding doors, giving seats, or just smiling and being excited and engaging in conversation -- which HAS happened to me when I have traveled out of MD....but locally not so much. 

5. The pain. Nipple pain, pelvic girdle pain, hip pain, calf cramp pain, digestive pain,  lower back pain, can't-get-comfortable-too-hot-it-hurts-to-turn-over pain, it-feels-like-someone-dropkicked-my-crotch-pain, nothing-tastes-good-and-I'm-hungry-pains, just to name a few. I also hear that childbirth can be painful. 

6. Lack of patience with people's "kind suggestions" and stories. Yes I know I carry big. My "oven" cooks 'em big I guess. No, there's only one. Yes, they've done sonograms. Multiple times. Yes, my boobs are small, I know. I wish they'd get bigger, too.  Sure, I'd love to tell you how much weight I've gained. That's awesome you only gained 20 pounds and lost it all in 5 weeks.  Doesn't seem to be the case for us. No, I don't know how I can get any bigger, but I'm sure to find out these past few weeks. Yes, I do have stretchmarks, I think it has something to do with my rapidly expanding belly and child that is gestationally large for his week-age. Yes, I stay hydrated, have slathered creams on each night and take very good care of my body. It's awesome you didn't get any, heredity is a bitch for some of us. Yes, I am still working out. It is okay for your heartrate to go over 140 BPMS. Yes, I've asked my doctor and gotten approval. Sweating is okay, lifting is okay, HIIT is okay. Yes, we are excited. Yes, we know our lives are going to change. Yes, we've heard they cry alot. I too, hope to not get a colicky baby. Yes, I am aware our sleeping is going to be affected.  Yes, I know diapers are dirty. Yes, I have changed them before. Yes, I understand cloth diapering can be hard. No, I don't think I'll give up on it and go to disposables. Yes, I know breastfeeding can be a challenge. I am sorry it did not work out for you, but please don't try to put fear into my efforts. Yes, it does make sense for us financially for me to stay home for awhile. No, I don't think I will regret it. Yes, I understand this may make me "less employable" in the future. Yes, I think "staying at home" is a full time job, daycare providers get paid a decent fortune for this. Yes, I think it is economically more feasible to put $1500-2000 in our pockets than pay a stranger to watch a 12 week old baby. Yes, I know labor is hard, painful, life threatening. I am just going to go at it with my best intentions and take what comes as what needs to happen to have a healthy baby-healthy mama. No, we are not sharing names...no matter how many times you ask. No, I can't give you initials, or middle names, or swear you to secrecy. Once the name is out there, it's out there, and that's something that takes away from the "special" part of it that seems intimate as a family. Yes, my husband is black, so the baby will be mixed. No, I can't guess what "color" he will be. Yes, even full-black babies are born really light. It takes months for them to get their "full color". Yes, I hope he has an adorable full head of curly hair too. I will love him even if he is bald. No, it doesn't sadden me he may not "look" like me, because he is created as nature intended and I will love him however he "turns out". Yes, I do hear alot that "mixed babies are the cutest", but that is not why we had him, we wanted a baby. No, I am not currently worried about him "having to pick a side", he will be Baby Boy Lovelace, with Leah and Glenn as his parents, and that is all the identification he needs. Ahem. 

7. Not being able to buy/fit into all the cute summery clothes.  Probably going to be stuck in some hideous-post-baby excuse for a bathing suit complete with ruffles and skirts all summer. 

wrybaby.com

8. Awkardness. I can't cut my own toenails really, I have to tie my shoes to the side because it is all I can reach. We all know that shaving is a bitch, and I have about 7 pair of underwear that actually fit. My granny panties are fully on and popping and I've had horrible panty lines since 5 months on. About 3 "workout" shirts fit, and I am constantly tugging them down to not look like the trashy girl working out with her belly hanging all over. I have flat out given up on maternity pants for these next few weeks. They can burn in a fire as far as I'm concerned. Shit shall be awkward and uncomfortable for the duration! 

9. The list of things you can't have/do. See also :good sushi, horseradish, caffeine, booze, skydiving, illicit drug use. 

10. Being worried about blowing out my tailbone and ladybits in one fell swoop or having an unnecessary c-section and regretting not going through with "traditional" labor. Or blowing through the former AND having a c-section to boot! 

Here is a nice photo of how he is turned, and why it could be detrimental to my tailbone health (and sitting down ability)

I can't wait to have this kiddo, and come up with a whole new set of lists....hopefully all of them will be cheery displays of the perfect labor!  Cross your fingers for us!

36 BIG weeks pregnant

Oh boy....oh, big big  beautiful baby boy. What a week we've had! Week 36 has brought us into our 9th month, and officially 4 weeks until go time. With that, we had our first weekly appointment!. I have felt that I have been growing out of control these past few weeks (well, since week 34) so I was really amped to see the Doctor I prefer and get some feedback on how he thought I was doing. 

As soon as he walked in he said he could tell I was bigger. Just how much bigger?

If you guessed that I was measuring 2 weeks ahead again, then you win a magical prize, dear reader. 36 weeks and measuring in at a solid 38!!!! I'm taking this as us being "full term" a week early. 

Yessir, Mr. Ginormo man is still packing on the pounds and growing like a champ. I am VERY thankful for his health, but am of course fearful given his large size. 

The Doctor said I looked "stunning" otherwise and that he was really anxious to get the results of the growth ultrasound. I shared with him my broken tailbone woes and the fact he is sunny side up and he made the ick face ... it looks a little something like this:

He said he doesn't know how women do it...that he has heard their tailbones pop during labor.....COOL STORY BRO. He was very jovial in telling me that I could expect it to happen again (GREAT) and that I would be clutching a donut pillow again for another 12 weeks or so. 

Fun backstory: I broke my tailbone slipping on ice in the great state of New York (Western NY that is, land of snow and snow and more snow, and also chicken wings). I was walking to school in 8th grade and turned sharply on black ice and my feet literally went over my head and I landed directly on my tailbone, brought down by the weight of ALL of my textbooks in my backpack. (Why did we carry all of our heavy textbooks home?!) It hurt so bad that at first I was stunned and couldn't get up...the school buses conveniently were driving by and I later learned people thought I got hit by a car. I hobbled to school and tried to "walk it off" but soon realized in 1st period Spanish class that I could not.sit.down. At all. It was excruciatingly painful and I had to call my mom to come get me...I lay horizontally in the backseat of the car while she drove me to the doctor, who incidentally was a (male) family friend. I had to bare my teen-aged ass while he pressed on it and I jumped away from his touch like a stuck pig. Indeed it was broken.  I ended up carrying around a donut, affectionately called "buddy" short for "butt buddy" for a solid 4 months before I felt well enough to sit on a hard surface like a normal human being. It did numbers for my popularity and I'm pretty sure that's why I went on to become homecoming queen. 

Me and my Lou at homecoming! (not pictured but implied : broken ass)

Long story short, the recovery was ugly, and long, and it made day to day things like sitting comfortably, having a bowel movement or using a tampon super painful. 

So let's fast forward 10+ years and a pregnancy with a large baby who is sunny side up. Everyone I know who has had a child in this position had long, painful labors (some of which lead to c-sections). That coupled with this broken tailbone noise and I am shook!

The day after the Dr's appointment was our growth ultrasound. Having done some research from friends who had big babies with epidurals I knew that it could be done...but I really needed some numbers, stats, and empirical data to rationalize this all in my head. 

Excited for some news!

We went to get our scan at exactly 36 weeks per the Doctor's orders...and whaddyaknow....there's a biggun in there! We had a great tech who was very thorough (thank God) who answered every question we threw her way. She verified his largeness, and noted that I do NOT have extra amniotic fluid (which I was sorta hoping for, giving the size issues of late). She measured his femur bones, head (length and width) and his belly.

At 36 weeks gestational age our "little" guy is right around 38 weeks size-wise and a comfy 7 pounds. 

(insert freakout here)

At 36 weeks babies should on average be around 5.8 pounds. She was kind enough to remind me they gain up to a pound a week which would put him in the 9-11 pound range at 40 weeks. 

Bless this child's heart...and his large head...he is giving Mama an anxiety attack!

He's mighty pudgey in there! Get a load of those cheekers. All the better to smooch you with, my dear. 

So now that we know he is big, I was hoping I would feel better ... because we have some decisions to make. I am going to have to get really real here. Shit is about to happen and he could come at any time. (The Ultrasound tech said while my due date is May 24th, she would guess him to come around May 15th) While hypnobabies has been really great in terms of reducing anxiety for me, I no longer think I can self administer some anesthesia by way of my big brainparts. (Large heads run in this family apparently). 

The only things I do know I want are to fall into labor naturally as good, sweet Mother Nature intended. From there, I want to labor at home for as long as possible. When we do make it to the hospital I want to have all of our options outlined....an epidural is looking more and more likely. 

This is all in my head for right now...I am antsy to talk to my doctor on Monday when I will be 36 weeks 4 days. He definitely said at the last appointment that a c-section was a viable option that I could "elect" at any time, although they would want me to go into labor naturally. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THERE'S THAT. 

I know, I know...you'd think it was twins

My darling BFF and favorite baby mama, Erin,  passed along some links in relation to people in similar circumstances. This one was especially helpful. 

I know the pain of a broken tailbone. It is not something I'd wish upon my least favorite clients. Yes, even the ones who berate me on the phone and overuse the capslocks key. I cannot imagine not being able to sit again for 4 months + (on top of potentially tearing/epipisiotomy?) and trying to breastfeed a baby. I don't want to not be able to sit in the glider and nurse him comfortably. I don't want to "try" for a vaginal labor and blow through my tailbone, get cut, have him potentially get stuck and have to go for a c-section on TOP of that either. Can you imagine a labor worse than tearing, having an incision and not being able to sit down after it's all said and done? I will be home by myself for a good bit...Grandma Niter has graciously offered her assistance...and I know no matter what the outcome I will need support. I don't want to fault myself for "failing" at delivering as naturally as possible. I also don't want to be in constant pain the first few months of his life either. I wouldn't be doing my best duties as a mother if I am in chronic pain and can't concentrate on his needs. And until you've broken your tailbone and can only get by sitting on a donut, you can't imagine the pain. 

Part of me feels that as much as I've worked out, tried to stay emotionally healthy, meditated, hypnobirthed, Ina-Mae'd and just tried to be as positive as possible that I am DESTINED on a one way ticket to c-sectiontown. 

drop, droppin like he's hot. 

The Doctor also said that at 36 weeks I am ALREADY 1 centimeter dialated and 50% effaced. Things are happening. Women can walk around dialated for weeks with no change, so I am not taking this as him coming tomorrow, but it's nice to know that after these long months of cervical drama that she is doing her job so far! Good job, champ. 

Alot is happening fast. I am now on my 2nd to last week of work. I have been tasked to transition a ton of clients to my team, and am still on events and trainings....needless to say it has been stressful and I feel like a huge burden to my colleagues. I have had one or several crying jags just trying to wrap my brain around the enormity of what all needs done before I leave on May 4th. My lists are seemingly endless and I have stayed late a few nights (much to the chagrin of my mom and husband who don't like the idea of their 9 months pregnant daughter/wife working until 8PM) but I really have no way of getting EVERYTHING done that I need to. 

hi-lighting things in pink makes them easier to accomplish. maybe. 

My house is in tip top shape, bags are packed and everything is set up for baby to come, but I cannot get caught up on transitioning/creating client documentation (an hour for each client x 10-20 clients) and still handle the day to day affairs of client support, billing, events and training. I've begged Jesus to take the wheel approximately 38 times a day, and have pondered whether or not a glass or bottle of wine would hurt ginormo baby at this time. (KIDDING). I am only human, and I may be a hormonal beast at that, but it will somehow all get done. 

I also quit the fancy gym this week, so I won't be inundating Instragram with awkward mirror pictures anymore. 

follow me @Leahlovelace...if you're into that type of shit. 

I will really really really miss the rich folks gym and all the amenities it provided...but for a SAHM living on one income, it is just not feasible. So long, tan 40 year old soccer moms and weird Asian ladies who dry their pubic muffs with the public hair dryers! 

I did enjoy some long walks (around the cul de sac) and did some Jillian and pilates this week...and if it weren't for having to stay late so much I think I could've worked out every day! Hope to keep this type of activity up for the long haul. 

How far along? Officially 36 weeks at the time of this post 

Total weight gain: Right around 32 big bad, ell bees
Maternity clothes? The shirt I wore today my stomach was falling out of on the bottom and you guessed it, it was maternity. Da hell?
Stretch marks? Sadly yes. I have shown them to a few people and the consensus is from those who have seen them in person that they look like veins?! Those who I have sent pictures of (yes I have stretch mark support from all the way to Buffalo and Las Vegas) seem to think they're legit. They're still pale purple, and low and JESUS CHRIST I AM MEASURING HUGE SO CUT ME SOME SLACK HERE
Sleep: I have been passing out on the couch anywhere from 9PM to Midnight, and waking up usually around 2AM to get the cramps out of my legs, hydrate, pee and try to sleep again...this is a cycle until 3 or 5AM when I make it up to the bed. I have to have such a fortress of pillows right now that it isn't feasible for me to try to squench into our not-even-queen-size bed with Glenn in it. I toss and turn and am up and down all night and it's disruptive to Glenn. At least one of us should get some adequate sleep, no?
Best moment this week: Glad to finally have these weekly appointments and know where we are at...size, dilation and effacement wise! There is safety in knowledge...once I figure out how to apply it. Also, my brother and sister and law announced they are having a baby girl, so I will have a NIECE in a few months!! 2012 is crazy for babies and my gender prediction talent is still SPOT ON! EXCITED!!
Miss Anything? my stretch mark free belly? Vanity aside, I am pre-mourning the loss of my social life....won't be able to spring for lunch with the ladies and gay lads at the drop of a hat anymore. But it's going to be worth it, this baby boy will be keeping me plenty busy and hopefully people don't forget Glenn and I exist and come visit us! 
Movement: Goodness lord, yes. The day of my Dr's appointment he was turbo active...I wondered if maybe the exam caused contractions that pissed him off in there? I am feeling weird tingles and pressure and just alot of general "girth" in there. 
Food cravings: PINEAPPLE. And carrots and chocolate but that's nothing new.
Anything making you queasy or sick: I can't go too long without eating/drinking something. I thought I was going to kirk out/pass out at Panera today when the line took approximately 18 minutes to get through. Must. stay. hydrated.
Gender: Ginormo boy
Labor Signs: None officially....I don't have a "feeling" I will get them any time soon...and I am perfectly okay with that! 
Symptoms: My belly button area is itchy and that can be annoying...still leg cramps at night..and the pain in ye old pelvic bones is somewhat back, but much much more tolerable than in months past.
Belly Button in or out? Awkward and flat
Wedding rings on or off? Still on, son!
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy most of the time! Glad to have got some knowledge dropped on our proverbial asses this week...I think the last week of work will help my mental stability tremendously! 
Looking forward to: Wrapping things up at the World of Webinars next week, and seeing my Daddy this weekend! Grandpa Roy is coming to town! 

Hopefully we will still be pregnant for a few more weeks so  YALL COME BACK NOW HEAR!?