Anxiety, Acceptance and the "c-word"

We decided to get pregnant the summer of 2011. I wanted year 28 to be my last "selfish summer" and from there went off the pill and went at making a baby! He was very planned - I know the exact night we conceived. As I am neurotic to a fault I studied all the methods on how to best get pregnant and was really thankful it happened for us after 2 real months of trying. I have been writing this blog since I had an inkling of a fledgling of a whisper of an idea we were pregnant. Flying home after a work trip and feeling feverish and flustered and "is this really happening?". Documenting each change from 4 weeks 3 days pregnant (or as I counted back then, 15 days post ovulation) 


Every morning I continued to pee on sticks from the Dollar Store (just to make sure the line was getting darker and that this was REALLY happening).  I would send these pictures to Glenn dutifully each morning. (Nothing says love like "look at this stick I peed on" each morning)

Each week I would take a photo to see how progression was coming along, while spending the rest of my time on the babyboards, and doing a ton of reading about all things preggers. 

weeks 5-8

I feel I haven't gone into any of this blindly - I researched and changed doctors early on because I wasn't satisfied with their level of care. I determined which hospital I thought was best, what prenatals and other vitamins were healthiest, and sought guidance on some early fears regarding my cervix and baby's viability and ability to work out. Once given the okay, I pushed myself to limits I didn't know were possible, working out more often and with greater intensity than I have for previous vanity quests before vacations.

I looked at labor as a challenge... that my mom had both me and my brother unmedicated after not really ever exercising, being dutiful about eating well, and because it was the 80's, smoking. If she could do it and have this great euphoric rush, then surely I could train like I was going to run a marathon and push a baby out unmedicated like butter! I seriously had no fear about the pain, I read into alot of holistic birthing practices...wanted to labor at home as long as possible, take baths, position myself in ways to best bring this baby into the world, not strapped down on my back in bed. I've drank red raspberry leaf tea once I hit the safe-timeline to do so, I read Ina Mae and had started practicing Hyponobabies. I was DETERMINED, god dammit. I was excited. I was thankful my body had been so cooperative with me!


As things progressed and I got bigger (seriously, let's talk about how I was "showing" at 12 weeks and I got commentary from thereon out about how huge I was/must be carrying twins/due in a month) I kept waiting for a kick from this baby. Most first time moms can feel them anywhere from 16 weeks on. I kept reading the babyboards and being jealous that I didn't feel any little flutters....I asked all my mommy friends when they first remembered feeling movement, and read into it and diagnosed myself with having an anterior placenta long before any ultrasounds proved me right. 

Holidays - 16 weeks along

I didn't feel any movement until 19 weeks -- and from there on I felt like, YES! Validation! It truly is the greatest feelings any mom can have, but for a first time mom it feels like all your fears and worries can be assuaged. 


I did read early on that anterior placentas often caused posterior babies and bad back labor. I honestly didn't read toooooooo much into it, figuring there was lots of time for the baby to flip and that given how much I had tried to stay healthy and work out that I could make everything work. I also wanted to remain positive and hope for the best. 

18 & 20 weeks

As we continued to grow and grow and grow some more, we got good news at all of my appointments. Never any gestational diabetes issues, never any scares with my blood panels, no protein in my urine or high blood pressure issues. My doctors remarked on how "perfect" everything was going, and how I was a picture of health. I beat myself up a bit on my weight gain but figured everything was well with the baby so all was well in the grand scheme of things. 


It wasn't until the 3rd trimester that the "holy shit you're huge comments" began to have some merit. My fundal heights for months had been accurate in terms of weeks pregnant, but started to jump up a bit. From measuring 1 week large to 2 or close to 3 at times. The Dr's scheduled growth ultrasounds and we realized my oven makes 'em big!

When the ultrasound technician told me at 32 weeks that the baby was already 5 lbs + I didn't believe her at first. All the literature said babies that age should be 3.8 at the high end...

7 & 32 weeks

I still knew ultrasounds could be off, and if anything, was thankful that the baby was big and healthy. 

We just kept getting bigger and bigger, and the Doctor showed some concern about his size. Clearly we were eating well and growing strong and fast. At 36 and 38 weeks we hit the 89% and 95% percentile and kiddo gained about 25 ounces in 2 weeks. At that rate he's about 1.78 a day...at the time of my Doctor visit today he could be at 9 lbs at 38 weeks 4 days. 

Upon discussion of his sunnysideupness and lack of flipping around, his large size, and my tailbone issues -- the idea of a cesarean had been broached a few times. Each week the doctor(s) would suggest that it was an option but not the ONLY option. That we could try to go into labor and let things progress, but that given his Occupant Posterior position that back labor was going to be intense, and that my tailbone was likely to break. I didn't feel pressured to jump at a csection...I wanted to know what contractions felt like. I wanted to warrior through like I had anticipated after months of working out. I wanted to PUSH this baby out of me like a champ. 

I consulted a midwife who writes a popular blog....called my chiropractor and the nurse practitioner all looking for "odds" of a successful vaginal delivery without breaking my tailbone. The doula/midwife couldn't give me too much information regarding my situation having not examined me, but noted that OP babies do often cause some distress to that area, and suggested all the spinningbabies and positioning methods I had already been practicing for weeks in order to get him to flip. At 38 weeks 4 days he still hasn't flipped. My chiropractor said he knew tailbone fractures can be debilitating  - and that he could adjust me to try to make my pelvis more comfortable but that it was likely to break. Short of having a doctor x-ray me (not an option for lady bits/being pregnant) or having someone adjust my tailbone by inserting their finger in parts that would make your mama blush, there was not much we could do. 

The nurse practitioner said given my factors, that a healthy uncomplicated vaginal delivery could certainly be attempted, but may not be likely. She said she would send my reports onto my Doctor who I would have my appointment with next. 

In that timeframe between Thursday to Monday (today) I felt a huge range of emotions....from curiosity, regret, fear, loss, to guilt. I had wanted so badly to be the best mom possible to him since the moment I knew I was pregnant. I wanted to be healthy for him to best bring him into the world the natural way. Having to give up that idealized view of childbirth was beyond defeating. 

Of course "the internet" can be a scary place full of judgey people who think anything less than a Natural Unmedicated Child Birth is a failure. An epidural is a failure. A hospital birth is a failure. Inductions are a failure. And above all else, cesareans are a failure. 

Because society often has a distorted view of the birthing industry and puts a ton of pressure on women in general (pregnant or not) I instinctively knew that if we elected to have a c-section that I would be judged. Nobody can tell me anything negatively that I haven't heard myself echoing in my head for weeks. That I didn't try hard enough. That my tailbone may not necessarily break. That ultrasounds are wrong and that women have large babies all the time. 

All of that is arbitrary. All of it may be true. I have really no way of knowing, other than doing a TON of research, talking to medical professionals, and seeking guidance from women who have gone before me. 

I have gleaned the following information after looking into all of our options:

                     - OP babies often go past their due dates and have longer promodoral labor (early labor) 

                     - OP babies (in general) have longer labors with less progression 

                     - OP babies can have longer contractions/more cycles causing the mom to think they are closer to transition/pushing stage than they are -- earlier pushing can equal swollen cervix = more interventions. 

                     - OP babies (in general) have more interventions (breaking of waters, early epidural for pain relief, and so on)

                     - OP babies (who have been OP since early on) are particularly less likely to spin in the proper head down direction

                     - OP babies are likely to break tailbones (even if your tailbone has never been broken)

                     - OP babies can get stuck and require extraction through means such as forceps, vacuum or an emergency c-section. Having consulted a nurse friend, she said she would NEVER let a doctor take her baby that way as she as seen too many issues with brain bleeds or permanent damage. That was enough to terrify me

                     - OP babies who are extracted through above means are often more likely to cause tears. Not just mini episiotomy tears, but 3rd and 4th degree tears not just to the back but the FRONT because the babies are sunnyside up. I read way too many stories about incontinent moms in their 20's with fistulas to make me really not want this to be an option.

                     - OP babies that are LARGE may never actually descend properly. Even with inductions they are squeezed with the addition of pitocin in a manner where their heads are "floating" essentially and never engage in the pelvis through the canal. Their poor little heads just end up ramming into your pelvic bones but not through the canal - and often end up distressed, with heart decels and end up being taken by c-section (emergency) anyway. 

- OP babies have a difficult transition if you can manage to get them into the canal, and once born often have misshapen heads, bruising, and sometimes nerve damage

                  - Large babies (OP or otherwise) are more inclined to manage to have their heads be birthed but have their shoulders get stuck (shoulder distocia).  This is not only terrifying, but can cause the baby's shoulders or collarbones get broken (at the least) or cause death (the worst case scenario).  My Doctor said that about 7% of "large babies" have this occur. The shoulder distocia can also cause permanent nerve damage as well, rendering the affected arm useless. 

 WHEW. It's alot of info. Still with me? And not all of it "has" to happen with an OP baby - or a large baby, but given where I am currently sitting (on a healed tailbone) we have alot of issues stacked against us.  

My mom came with me to my Doctor's appointment today at 38 weeks 4 days. Before he entered the room I heard him exclaiming to the nurse practitioner, "wow, 95th percentile!" and he walked into the room, shook my mom's hand and gave me a sympathetic look. 

He got right to the point and said that given our circumstances, he couldn't safely say that a vaginal delivery was our best or recommended option. He outlined all the risk factors with our current situation and said that he felt a planned cesarean would be the best and safest mode of delivery for Baby Boy Lovelace. He said he understood my goal of vaginal delivery but that if we wanted to move forward with it we would have to sign a consent form basically absolving him of liability if we ran into complications.

He then did an internal exam, and I was at 2 centimeters (I was at about 1.5 last week) and he noted the baby's head hadn't engaged and was essentially in the "floating" pattern I mentioned above. This attests again to his size. I had wondered if that was the case because by close to 39 weeks you should feel like a bowling ball is between your legs and the baby has dropped. I still feel him very active, and he is still kicking up high to the top of my ribs. 

This was enough of a sign for me believe that even IF the ultrasounds are wrong and he isn't close to 9 lbs right now, even IF he happened to flip tomorrow, even IF I had a perfect tailbone...he isn't currently descending as he should by this timeline. That was enough for me to believe that all of the medical professionals in the practice have our best interests at heart, and that a cesarean is the best possible option for the best possible care for both baby Lovelace and me to tend to his needs afterward. 

We are having our long awaited, very loved,  chubby chunk fattykins of a son on May 21st via a planned cesarean. 

I hope you will support us in making the toughest and strongest choice on bringing him into this world. Please continue to send us good vibes and prayers in hopes for a happy and healthy delivery!

                 -

38 BIG weeks update : aka everything you wanted to know about posterior positioned babies, broken tailbones, and my hormonal tirades.

So this is the first week off of work, and I thought the days would be dragging....the house is pretty much in order for baby. Well, let's be real, it is...but there is always laundry to be done, counters to be scrubbed, filing cabinets to organize. I am however, NOT missing work at all. This transition was alot easier than I thought it would be. 


Maybe because I am so baby-focused. 

I mean, how can I not be? He takes up all of my space, mentally, emotionally, physically. We had our 37 & 4 days appointment Monday and Dr. Ottenritter again discussed the fact we are big  (duh). 


We are also (at that time) almost 2 centimeters dilated and 70% effaced! Baby is definitely making moves in the downward direction. We had another growth ultrasound set, but I basically asked him point blank if he thought I was going to have trouble with a vaginal delivery. We again reaffirmed baby's largeness/my crippled ass tailbone/sunnysideupness and this general direction towards Csection being a viable option. He said we could plan that at 39 weeks, dependent on the ultrasound. (!!!!!!!!!!!!) Everything else looked great and we would talk again Monday after our growth ultrasound to make further determination about our game plan. 

So in between those days at the doctor and the ultrasound I did some research. I found out the following (direct from spinningbabies.com)

Graphic representation of why babies who are face-up have problems....YEAH. 


"

Possible posterior effects range from 

• Longer pregnancy 
• The amniotic sac breaking (water breaks, membranes open, rupture of membranes) before labor
• Start and stop labor pattern
• Longer early labor
• Longer active labor
• Longer pushing stage
• (Maybe a woman has all three phases of labor lengthened by the OP labor, or one or two of the three phases listed.)
• More use of vacuum or forceps
• More likely to tear
• Sometimes the baby's head gets stuck turned half way to anterior - in the transverse diameter. This can be called a transverse arrest. It is not a transverse lie
• More likely to need a cesarean (emphasis mine)

This website has been a great resource in terms of getting a better understanding about my ladybits and what can be done to manifest change. Their photography could stand to be updated a bit though, eh? As much as I do love my muu-muus!

Also this:

The best way to tell if your baby is OP or not, usually, is if you feel little wiggles in the abdomen right above your pubic bone - these are the fingers.They'd feel like little fingers wiggling, not like a big thunk or grinding from the head, though you might feel that, too.
The little fingers will be playing by the mouth. This is the easiest indication of OP. The wiggles will be centered in the middle of your lower abdomen, close to the pubic bone.

Well, this boy has been getting his wiggle on in that department for quite some time. I have done the pelvic tilts, the rocks, the cat-cow, sat backwards in chairs, etc...and unfortunately no change. 

I also did some research into midwife/doula blogs. I have a profound respect for the work midwives and doulas perform. I truly thought pre-all these current issues that I would want my next baby to be delivered with the support of one. Alot of great work has been done to provide women with a more holistic, drug free, intervention free birth and I wish I had a more straightforward pregnancy, because I feel like I could push this kiddo out with the quickness! 

Alas, what we are working with doesn't seem to really make that an option. I read some of the commentary/feedback on the doula blogs -- women who labored long and hard with no transition, no progress, terrible back labor, feeling of needing to push at an early stage which leads to cervical swelling, babies getting stuck in the birth canal/distress, having to be taken out via forceps/vacuum/third and fourth degree tears, OR emergency csections after it is all said and done. 

You can almost picture him in there with this wonderful artistic representation, right?

I also did some awesome reading on tailbone breaks and the ladies who have had them. It's an ugly thing, tailbone breaks, with not a lot of good news. You can try sacrum counter pressure and different types of epidurals...but the stories I found were for some smaller babies/less issues in terms of sunnyside up babies. Basically the stacks are kinda against us. As Roy Schumacher would say "dem's the breaks, kid". 

And goodness me, is he big. Niter came into town on Wednesday to accompany me to the ultrasound because Glenn is trying to conserve all his vacation time for when this chunker comes out. She always gets a kick out of seeing her grandbaby, and I am thankful for her support!

We had another nice tech who was quite chatty, and willing to bust out the 3d machine! She seemed really excited about his position (SUPER POSTERIOR WAVING AT US BASICALLY) because normally "babies this far along you can't see at all". Thank heavens for small (or in this case, large) treasures!

Of course he is super cramped in there and so pictures were a bit wonky but seeing him live in action was pretty great. He still has beautiful lips and was practice breathing and sucking in there, making kiss faces. It was pretty spectacular to witness. 

And yes, his cheeks have not gone down in size. 

So here we are at 38 weeks on the dot: the stats!

          - he is in the 95% (up from 89% at our 36 week ultrasound)

          - his head/limbs and pretty much everything is measuring at 40 weeks+ (except for   his thighbones. She said it was hard to get an accurate picture/measurement of them because he is so cramped in there. They were measuring 37 weeks 4 days

          - Averaged all together, he is currently growing a week and a half ahead (39 weeks 3 daysish)

          - His weight guesstimate for the week is 8 POUNDS 9 OUNCES. This means from 36 weeks he has gained a pound and 9 ounces per measurements. So if he continues at that range, I'm guessing "fully full full full term/40 weeks" he could equal out to around ohhhhh 10.125 pounds. I  DO KNOW that ultrasounds are notoriously off, but given their "1 pound either way" rule, he is still quite possible damn near 8 lbs right now and likely to keep growing. Or Jesus Christ on a bike he could be damn near 10 lbs (!!!)

         - His "estimated due date by size" is May 15th per measurements (incidentally this stayed the same since week 36

(Growth ultrasound from week 36 shown for reference)

Sooooooooo it's not all entirely shocking, new news. He's big, we know he's big, and we also know he is sunnyside up. As soon as they told me the info was sent to the doctor's office I tried to get in touch to talk (read: somebody validate the crazy hormonal feelings I have about "giving up" on thoughts of a vaginal delivery) but was unable to speak with the doc because he was with patients. Trust and believe I will call again tomorrow morning. 

I also rang my chiropractor. When I came in for that horrendous pelvic girdle pain (which is back, hi there, I missed you!) he showed alot of concern about my previous tailbone break and what my doctors intended to do during labor. I called a bit late in the afternoon and was unable to get to speak with them either, so will have that on my list to ring tomorrow as well. 

What the chiropractor had mentioned, and my research has shown, is that normal tailbones have a bit of a wobble to them. When a tailbone is broken it has no real way to heal as there is not any way to "set" it. We are always moving, getting up, sitting down (or trying to), etc. So the bone essentially "fuses" into one place when (after months of pain, positioning and screwing the rest of your back/hips up trying to get comfortable) it "heals".

Greatest medical art EVER?!

Ouch is right, lady! I feel your pain!

 Because they generally frown upon x-raying the lower extremities of ladies ( word is it hinders the ability to harvest eggs to grow future ginormo babies) I didn't get any images of my buttbone back in the day.  The Dr. pretty much affirmed that they heal and fuse in any pattern they chose (to the left, to the right, to the back...wait a minute, this isn't DJ Casper up in here...)

take it back now, ya'll

So given this info, kiddo's head would act like a battering ram, descending through the canal towards life like the tough guy that he is, ultimately smooshing that beautiful face up against my ladyparts in the wrong direction, and crushing through my tailbone. (insert here 6 months of being unable to sit down or do anything similar to sitting down, or moving, or being comfortable). 

Shall we rejoice in the name of all things holy and bless the technology that is the cesarean? 

I have as mentioned, a number of AWESOME and supportive friends, who have been there for me throughout this pregnancy.... I have also sought out some guidance from ladies who have had csections (none elected) to get more of a grasp on their experience. A number of them talked about feeling guilty, as if it were "wrong" their little ones were brought in the world in a non-vaginal means, as if it were a failure...and I totally sympathize with where they are coming from. 

I have stated it a bazillion times, and I know everyone is sick of hearing it - but I really went into this thinking I could work my hardest to have a natural delivery. Giving that dream up, mourning that idea of letting things progress naturally, feeling like you have failed or let down your baby or your family is an awful feeling.  And it's unfair. Society is way too hard on  pregnant women as it is - I know in my bones that so long as the baby comes out healthy that I will be healthy. But I'll be damned if it doesn't make me feel guilt ridden to potentially "elect" to have this done. 

Studies have shown that elected cesareans have alot less trauma to mom AND baby, as well as greater recovery times and less complications. Part of me wanted to let labor just happen, but if that means distress to baby, or more issues arising, why go that course? 

sweet Jesus give us a sign

I am turbo aware that a cesarean is not a papercut. It's a major surgery that is painful, and full of risks and potential complications. It's not a walk in a park or an easy way out for anyone. I'd still have a lot of healing to do, and would need support. 

But in my mind, 8 weeks of incision care versus 4-6 months of CHRONIC pain and inability to function in normal day to day manners while caring for a newborn, breastfeeding and trying to get the swing of cloth diapering...it's kinda looking like a more viable option. 

I know hormones are going awry at this point too, so that certainly is playing a part...but I really wish I could get some sort of sign or validation that this is the right way to go and I'll have no regrets. Regardless of what comes down, the baby will be born and I'll be so thankful and busy I won't have time to care or reflect, right? RIGHT. 

Stretch marks? Well the bastards that showed their ugly faces are still around, BUT they didn't bring any of their cousinsndem so I am pretty happy
Sleep: Is HOT. Night sweats, anyone? Also, sporadic at best. Insomnia is in full force now that I am off work and can sleep in a bit. Turning over is getting super duper painful, and having alot of lower back pain as of late has made getting comfortable damn near impossible. WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE. Oh well, 2ish more weeks, right?
Best moment this week: Seeing that little butterball, squishyfaced little love on the ultrasound making kiss faces....I can't get over his lips and can't wait to smooch them!
Miss Anything? My equilibrium? I just keep getting bigger and bigger and it is hard to get around in tight spaces/my kitchen when both Glenn and my mom are in there trying to cook and I need to reach over to get a glass of water. Seriously, I am huge and my frame of space is out of control. 

Movement: Still moving around alot, which again makes me feel like I won't "go" as quick as people are guessing. I read that posterior babies with their big heads don't descend as quick so maybe that's why I am feeling him so much. I still love it and it gives me a good feeling to know he's doing well in there.  
Food cravings: fruit and chocolate and fruit with a side of chocolateAnything making you queasy or sick: Not sick per se, but definitely noticing the subtle pains of oncoming baby-is-ready-to-evacuatenessGender: Boy! It was hilarious because our ultrasound tech was ALL ABOUT showing us his little ween and taking 3d images of his ballsack. I am sure he will treasure these forever.
 Labor Signs: Alas, noticing more of what I think are Braxton Hicks, or just him kicking me really hard or jutting out....probably Braxton Hicks thoguh. Symptoms: Back pain, boob pain, pelvic girdle pain, sense of anxiousness/fear/guilt.  But I am still hobbling around with the best of them and trying to keep up some semblance of a cheery disposition!

Belly Button in or out? Officially at its flattest and weirdest.
Wedding rings on or off? On! Three cheers for no swelling yet in these late stages
Happy or Moody most of the time: Very happy - I have a great support system, Glenn and my mom and I have been pretty busy this week with last minute prep, and have enjoyed fabulous dinners each night and shared lots of laughs and moments to destress before baby comes. They are fabulous, fabulous people for calming me down, lifting my spirits, and telling me everything will be okay. That and the texts, emails, IG/facebook/twitter love have really really helped me overcome moments of sheer hormonal freakouts.
Looking forward to: Talking to all these doctors, formulating an official birth plan, wrapping things up on the homefront, relaxing and enjoying my family, and of course MOTHER'S DAY! Niter thinks this is a great day to have her grandbaby. Glenn is also pro, for reasons below:

He's hilarious. Another reason I married him!

Here's hoping our next update will still be at 39 weeks, baby will still keep growing, and I will feel validated in making sound decisions about how to progress with labor! 

As always - thanks for reading and for feedback! CHEERS, IT'S ALMOST TIME!

also cheers to continuation of no pants until Baby day